19 July 2021
Definitely yes. Should I even be questioning that? Probably not. Should I be contemplating suicide for days? Probably not. Does telling myself I'm not disciplined enough make me more disciplined? Sometimes. The only caveat is that when it doesn't, the spiral of self-destruction is harder than Buakaw's low kicks.
So what then? Soothe myself? How? What does a proper soothing even feel like? It's probably in the wrong direction. David Goggins has taken many souls. Mine's not for sale. My dad sold it for me when I was younger. I'm just gonna waste a month more in destructive, mindless activities. Once again showering in the abundance of willpower for the little that is left to do.
Worry not. The suicidal attitude is hopefully just a thing of the past. My goal with this post is to try to describe that thinking is not nearly as linear as we might want it to be. The web of thoughs, habits and behaviors is not always solved the most obvious of ways. Acknowledging your faults doesn't always lead to the positive chnage we hope.